I live amoungst conservative Muslims, in the shadow of the four hundred thousand mosques that exist within walking proximity from my house. It therefore does not come as a surprise that I have encountered not one, not two but five Muslim men berating gender integration and obsessively demanding an end to vaginas at the mosque entirely. And all this just in the past week.


The conversation is always the same. The arguer (him) will begins with a nudgingly annoying and all too familiar plea to the arguee’s (You) inner misogynist. Thereafter, the arguee (you) will attempt to change the subject to something less likely to end in bloody murder such as the Pistorius case. This will only succeed in angering the arguer (him) by which time he will begin to thrust out cherry picked hadiths and remind the arguee (who is now hiding under the coffee table yelling “TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE, JUST DON’T HURT ME!”) that if a woman takes two steps out of her home without a clump of testosterone in her handbag it is guaranteed that she will be attacked by 40 rapists, 78 serial killers and 20 zombies all at once.


I just merely survived one of these incidents when it occurred to me that this had gone too far. Enough is enough. It’s time we find an end to this insanity.


My solution: We segregate Muslims from the rest of society.


Now before you cry fire and ship me off to Weskoppies, think about it. Yeah it seems like something Hitler would do and maybe it’s a little bit unethical and would probably end in inequalities that would continue to haunt the world for hundreds of years and maybe it’s true that separate can never really be equal. But if we call it a religion that would change the dynamic entirely, because nobody really has the guts to criticize a religion, even if it is exploitative or genocidal.


So this is the plan. You know that area between Pakistan and Uzbekistan, we’ll give them that free of charge. The locations currently called Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Turkey, Oman, Egypt, Yemen and everything else within the vicinity can join their counterparts on condition that they provide us with an everlasting supply of oil. Okay, I know what you’re thinking we are going to hit a bump…but I thought about it and its okay. It would be only a minor sacrifice if we bombed the whole country. I mean, it’s fine because they’re God’s chosen people and that’s like a guaranteed entrance to heaven anyways.


Now if you’re wondering why the Muslim part is smaller than the non-Muslim part just remember that it doesn’t matter. If anybody questions it we can always just tell them something like “Muslims don’t like to go out much” or “Muslims prefers smaller homes” or we can make up some elaborate rule stipulating who is and who is not allowed to leave their homes for work purposes. That way, when we meet our critics we can simply yell out our own made up rule as if it is the gospel. We’ll say “Muslims can work from home and Non-Muslims have to work outside their homes, it only makes sense that we get a bigger area.” Then when they tell us that the rule itself is unnecessary we will simply claim that it was created for the protection of the Muslims themselves “We love and care for the Muslims so much that we have forbidden them from ever leaving their homes”. If it tickles your fancy, you could even play victim and claim to have it harder because we have to leave the house every day and go out into the dangerous world while Muslims get the option to stay home all day, lounging in comfort and being supporting by us.


With regards to the spread of information, because you know I’m sure the Muslims will also want to share in OUR scientific and technological knowledge, we will devise a system that allows for Muslims to receive the information through means of large and sometimes annoying speakers placed on street poles all around the Muslim side from which the Muslims can listen to US lecture about things that WE know because we are better at knowing things. If they have something they want to share they will be given two options:


One: They could speak amoungst themselves in secluded areas, but only on topics which we deem acceptable first. Or two: They can ask questions by writing it on a piece of paper and then sending the piece of paper to our side from which end our speaker will laugh loudly and then proceed to waffle by repeating some out of context quotes over and over again without ever actually answering the question.


Since that’s settled we should probably decide how governance would work. Since they cannot take care of themselves (I mean, just look at the Muslim world and how they’re always being bitchy and killing each other) we would need to send some of our people over there to help take care of them. It will require one Non-Muslim Volunteer to take care of four Muslims each. Of course we will give the Non-Muslim Volunteer the option of choosing whether they want one, two, three or four Muslims under their care. The Non-Muslim Volunteer will be responsible for providing the Muslims with a shack as well as one loaf of bread a bottle of milk a day. The Muslim’s duties would be to keep the home looking like a mansion and cook a six course meal each afternoon for when the Non-Muslim Volunteer gets home from the congregation at which he or she was tirelessly spreading the word of Darwin all day.


See this way, it won’t matter that the schools on the Muslim side will have a lower standard of education and Muslims will be paid less than non-Muslims for their labor because we will be providing the Muslim with a home and food through our Non-Muslim volunteer. I mean, why would they need a proper education or a decent salary if they will just end up being taken care of by their hardworking and caring Non-Muslim Volunteer anyway.


The question then arises as to what will happen to those individuals who are born Muslims and then later in life begin identifying as non-Muslims.  You see, we don’t recognize those individuals. Trans-Religionism is not a real thing, kind of like religious fluidity. Religion is a binary, you are what you are born as. Simple as that.


Am I concerned about the mental health and psychological well-being of young children who are forced to live in this ideological setting without their consent, you ask?


Of course not. It’s better for them anyways. By the time they are grown, we will have taught them to support this decision and if they don’t support it, we can always just threaten to burn them alive in a fiery pit of demons.


You see, this solution might seem crazy but it’s the best shot we have to ensure that our Non-Muslims, who are vulnerable and innocent, yet seemingly unable to control their own feelings, are protected from being seduced by the Muslims and their enticing and sultry ways. This segregation is necessary to ensure that there is no mingling because mingling leads to sex and sex is the worst thing in the world unless We do it in which case it is therefore perfectly normal and natural.


Now, you might say “What about the Muslims? What do they think?” Surely we could ask the Muslims through an elaborate voting system, but that’s not really necessary because I know one Muslim guy and he’s fine with it. Also, they don’t really know what they want. Muslims are indecisive, it’s in their nature. What we need to do is take control of this situation. We need to take care of them because they can’t take care of themselves. We need a full on segregation.


What do you say people, are you with me!