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July 2016

The Solution to The “Gender Segregation in Mosques” debate…

I live amoungst conservative Muslims, in the shadow of the four hundred thousand mosques that exist within walking proximity from my house. It therefore does not come as a surprise that I have encountered not one, not two but five Muslim men berating gender integration and obsessively demanding an end to vaginas at the mosque entirely. And all this just in the past week.

 

The conversation is always the same. The arguer (him) will begins with a nudgingly annoying and all too familiar plea to the arguee’s (You) inner misogynist. Thereafter, the arguee (you) will attempt to change the subject to something less likely to end in bloody murder such as the Pistorius case. This will only succeed in angering the arguer (him) by which time he will begin to thrust out cherry picked hadiths and remind the arguee (who is now hiding under the coffee table yelling “TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE, JUST DON’T HURT ME!”) that if a woman takes two steps out of her home without a clump of testosterone in her handbag it is guaranteed that she will be attacked by 40 rapists, 78 serial killers and 20 zombies all at once.

 

I just merely survived one of these incidents when it occurred to me that this had gone too far. Enough is enough. It’s time we find an end to this insanity.

 

My solution: We segregate Muslims from the rest of society.

 

Now before you cry fire and ship me off to Weskoppies, think about it. Yeah it seems like something Hitler would do and maybe it’s a little bit unethical and would probably end in inequalities that would continue to haunt the world for hundreds of years and maybe it’s true that separate can never really be equal. But if we call it a religion that would change the dynamic entirely, because nobody really has the guts to criticize a religion, even if it is exploitative or genocidal.

 

So this is the plan. You know that area between Pakistan and Uzbekistan, we’ll give them that free of charge. The locations currently called Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Turkey, Oman, Egypt, Yemen and everything else within the vicinity can join their counterparts on condition that they provide us with an everlasting supply of oil. Okay, I know what you’re thinking we are going to hit a bump…but I thought about it and its okay. It would be only a minor sacrifice if we bombed the whole country. I mean, it’s fine because they’re God’s chosen people and that’s like a guaranteed entrance to heaven anyways.

 

Now if you’re wondering why the Muslim part is smaller than the non-Muslim part just remember that it doesn’t matter. If anybody questions it we can always just tell them something like “Muslims don’t like to go out much” or “Muslims prefers smaller homes” or we can make up some elaborate rule stipulating who is and who is not allowed to leave their homes for work purposes. That way, when we meet our critics we can simply yell out our own made up rule as if it is the gospel. We’ll say “Muslims can work from home and Non-Muslims have to work outside their homes, it only makes sense that we get a bigger area.” Then when they tell us that the rule itself is unnecessary we will simply claim that it was created for the protection of the Muslims themselves “We love and care for the Muslims so much that we have forbidden them from ever leaving their homes”. If it tickles your fancy, you could even play victim and claim to have it harder because we have to leave the house every day and go out into the dangerous world while Muslims get the option to stay home all day, lounging in comfort and being supporting by us.

 

With regards to the spread of information, because you know I’m sure the Muslims will also want to share in OUR scientific and technological knowledge, we will devise a system that allows for Muslims to receive the information through means of large and sometimes annoying speakers placed on street poles all around the Muslim side from which the Muslims can listen to US lecture about things that WE know because we are better at knowing things. If they have something they want to share they will be given two options:

 

One: They could speak amoungst themselves in secluded areas, but only on topics which we deem acceptable first. Or two: They can ask questions by writing it on a piece of paper and then sending the piece of paper to our side from which end our speaker will laugh loudly and then proceed to waffle by repeating some out of context quotes over and over again without ever actually answering the question.

 

Since that’s settled we should probably decide how governance would work. Since they cannot take care of themselves (I mean, just look at the Muslim world and how they’re always being bitchy and killing each other) we would need to send some of our people over there to help take care of them. It will require one Non-Muslim Volunteer to take care of four Muslims each. Of course we will give the Non-Muslim Volunteer the option of choosing whether they want one, two, three or four Muslims under their care. The Non-Muslim Volunteer will be responsible for providing the Muslims with a shack as well as one loaf of bread a bottle of milk a day. The Muslim’s duties would be to keep the home looking like a mansion and cook a six course meal each afternoon for when the Non-Muslim Volunteer gets home from the congregation at which he or she was tirelessly spreading the word of Darwin all day.

 

See this way, it won’t matter that the schools on the Muslim side will have a lower standard of education and Muslims will be paid less than non-Muslims for their labor because we will be providing the Muslim with a home and food through our Non-Muslim volunteer. I mean, why would they need a proper education or a decent salary if they will just end up being taken care of by their hardworking and caring Non-Muslim Volunteer anyway.

 

The question then arises as to what will happen to those individuals who are born Muslims and then later in life begin identifying as non-Muslims.  You see, we don’t recognize those individuals. Trans-Religionism is not a real thing, kind of like religious fluidity. Religion is a binary, you are what you are born as. Simple as that.

 

Am I concerned about the mental health and psychological well-being of young children who are forced to live in this ideological setting without their consent, you ask?

 

Of course not. It’s better for them anyways. By the time they are grown, we will have taught them to support this decision and if they don’t support it, we can always just threaten to burn them alive in a fiery pit of demons.

 

You see, this solution might seem crazy but it’s the best shot we have to ensure that our Non-Muslims, who are vulnerable and innocent, yet seemingly unable to control their own feelings, are protected from being seduced by the Muslims and their enticing and sultry ways. This segregation is necessary to ensure that there is no mingling because mingling leads to sex and sex is the worst thing in the world unless We do it in which case it is therefore perfectly normal and natural.

 

Now, you might say “What about the Muslims? What do they think?” Surely we could ask the Muslims through an elaborate voting system, but that’s not really necessary because I know one Muslim guy and he’s fine with it. Also, they don’t really know what they want. Muslims are indecisive, it’s in their nature. What we need to do is take control of this situation. We need to take care of them because they can’t take care of themselves. We need a full on segregation.

 

What do you say people, are you with me!

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Busting the “Loose” Vagina Myth?

We’ve all heard it before; The insistent rattle of noise makers shamelessly shaming people for their vagina’s. Perhaps it’s a commonly held misconception of female anatomy or maybe it’s plain old misogyny back at it again. But does it really matter? Anywhoo, let’s bust the myth.

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Do vagina’s stretch during penetration?
The vagina is made up of muscle and is elastic in nature. When an object is inserted into the vagina (tampons, etc.) the muscles in the vaginal walls move and part to create space for the object to enter. Thus the vagina stretches to accommodate the object.
After penetrative sex does the vagina remain stretched?
Absolutely not. After the inserted object is withdrawn the vagina would likely go back to its initial size as the muscles close together.
This is necessary for the vagina to protect itself from germs and infection.
If the vagina recoils why do some vaginas look or feel larger?
Many people seem to believe the vaginas of people who have never had sex are smaller than those of people who have had sex.
However this isn’t true.
Like penises, vaginas come in different sizes. It’s ridiculous to assume that all vagina’s are made the exact same size.
Another reason why some vaginas might seem tighter is that during first time sex it’s common for a person to feel nervous or anxious so they would likely clench together their muscles which would result in the vagina feeling tight. Once a person becomes comfortable and they stop clenching their muscles it might seem as if the vagina becomes looser.
Believing that a vagina becomes loose after sex is a fallacy. The size of a vagina does not correlate with the amount of sex a person has.
Do vagina’s stretch out after child birth and why do some people claim that this happened?
During child birth the vaginal walls contract to allow for the infant to leave the mothers body. After the child is born the vagina retracts back to its normal state.
Some women claim to have had the experience of finding their vagina to be looser after childbirth.
This has less to do with the stretching of the vagina and more to do with age or number of children.
Like all the other muscles in our bodies, as we get older our muscles become weaker and start to droop or appear loose (e.g. wrinkles). This means that the muscles in the vaginal walls would not be able to do their job as well as they would earlier in life.
Are there any occasions on which the vagina might become looser by itself?
Yes. Like I mentioned during childbirth the muscles contract and become loose to allow for the child to be born.
Another occasion is during sexual intercourse. When a person is turned on the muscles in the vagina would naturally loosen to allow for penetration. This means that if the vagina feels loose during sex, it’s probably because the person is feeling relaxed, turned on and really enjoying themselves.
Where does the myth stem from?
Naturally it comes from the comodification of the vagina. When women were viewed as objects of their husbands or fathers, a vagina was assumed to be a product which could be used or “used up” and therefore would be measured as such.
Why is it wrong to assume that vaginas stretch out?
Simply because this is factually incorrect and shows a lack of understanding of female anatomy.
It’s also misogynistic. It goes back to the idea of the objectification of women. Assuming that a “good vagina” is one that has not been “used” and that this can be tested by means of assessing tightness or looseness.
Something that we need to realize collectively is that the size, shape or appearance of a vagina does not define a person and should not have to power to make a person feel insecure.
The idea that a penis has the power to damage or break a vagina seems really violent and is just another attempt at controlling what women do with their bodies and how they conduct their sex lives.
Is the obsession with small vaginas the same as the obsession with large penises?
Although both of these “standards” are problematic, it’s hardly the same thing.
When people refer to large penises as the ideal it usually is a conversation dominated by men as it speaks to their own gratification and self worth.
However when people speak about loose vaginas the conversation is not dominated by females. Having a small vagina is not something that women value in themselves but rather something that men demand of women.

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